Being a mother of two under six years old, I tried to think of a time that I “lost” one of my
children at the store or lost track of time and left one of my children at school waiting for
me at the office. Yep, I’m guilty of both. These are definitely not my proudest moments.
I’m hoping that neither of them will need therapy after their experience. Which leads me
to the revelation I was able to receive this past week during my Flawless devotion and
the message on “A Lost Heart,” from our very own Liz Gutierrez!
To truly understand the feeling of being lost, I think it’s important to know the definition
of the word lost. Webster’s dictionary defines lost as:
1. Unable to find one's way; not knowing one's whereabouts.
2. Denoting something that has been taken away or cannot be recovered.
If ever there was a time that I have felt lost and unable to find my way, it was the day
after I had my daughter. A time when something so precious and beautiful became
unbearable. My life felt as if it had come to a complete stop. As if I was in a time-lapse
video where everything and everyone around me moved and I was at a stand still.
Grasping for some sort of air, life or hope. I found myself sinking deeper and deeper. My
mind, spirit and heart were lost in a dark hole.
I could never utter the words “postpartum depression.” I was what I call “existing but not
living.” I was very much like the people in Israel from the book of Jeremiah lost in
purpose, lost in heart and lost in direction. I drowned myself in my guilt. It was guilt from
feeling as if my identity as Rachel, daughter of God was gone.
That was the moment I experienced a lost and broken heart. I remember the day I
finally felt God’s love penetrate my heart. Everyone in my home was asleep and I was
up walking around trying to figure out what I could do to cover up my depression. That
specific night I had figured out a plan to make everything disappear. I had figured out
that the best solution to saving my family from my despair was packing my bag and
disappearing. I remember I had a few left over pain pills and a hidden bottle of left over
vodka. That night I was going to take a pill, have a drink, pack a bag and leave before
John (my husband) and Zaida (daughter) woke up. As I opened the bottle, while silently
crying. I heard a whisper say “Don’t you know how much I love you? Don’t you know
how important you are to me? I gave you a heart of gold, gold that could only be found
in me.” I stopped and weeped even harder.
I fell to my knees and cried out from despair. I had allowed the word “postpartum
depression” to became my identity. I had lost myself in the guilt, shame and emotions
that I had forget my first love, my strength, my joy, my deliverer, my redeemer, my help, my resurrector, my Abba Father. He literally found me in “the lost and found”
department (if that’s even a place).
During the study the following scripture really drove it home for me.
//“What man among you, if he has a hundred sheep and loses one of them, does not
leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness and go after the one which is lost, [searching]
until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing.// Luke He helped remind me that not one person is more important than me. I am and will
forever be His daughter. There is absolutely not any one’s heart that is so lost in
despair, confusion, depression, anxiety, guilt, addiction, pain, sadness or pride that is
too far from Him to reach you.
Picture this, if God keeps track of our every tear and places it in a bottle (Psalms 56),
what makes you think that you don’t matter to Him? You are never too lost for Him to
find you because exactly where you are at in this point in your life; He is standing right
in front, behind and to the right and left of you. Looking back at that time in my life, I was
able to discover how resilient He had made me that there is absolutely nothing too big
or too small I cannot conquer.
So today, my beautiful Flawless ladies, I pray that whatever you are going through,
whatever ache you are experiencing, wherever you are in this moment. Take a moment,
soak it in and remember God knows you by name. If you are lost, He will stop the world,
go to the depths of the sea to find you and when He does He will embrace you with an
unimaginable love that in the human eye cannot truly be grasped.
It is so real. You know how I know because when I was lost He found me and breathed
life into me. Today, make that your declaration! He who finds Him, finds life! A life full of
joy, peace, love, laughter and hope!
What an amazing week it was at Fashion! We hope that you will keep being a part of journeying with the girls! In Person: We meet every Thursday 930-1130am here at Destiny Church's east campus. In a Group: Many small groups are available to join during the week. Out of the Area: you can also watch the replay of the weekly messages on our YouTube channel. We love you, we believe in you, and we can't wait to see you next time at Fashion, where we love to live and live to love.